Who Are You Again?
by Smerby
Summary: A parody of the absurd use of nicknames in Harry Potter fanfiction.


It was the first day of the 6th year for the Golden Trio at Hogwarts. The trio consisted of none other then the Raven-Haired-Boy-Who-Lived, the Insufferable Know-It-All, and one of those Weasley kids. Making their way into the Great Hall, said individuals sat down at the Gryffindor table, sighing with exhaustion and hunger. The Sorting Hat sorted several Americans into the houses, and Dumbledore stood up. After Dumbledore gave an inspiring speech opening the new year of Hogwarts, Harry sighed, stretched his Quidditch toned arms, and looked to Hermione.

"'Mione, will you pass the pudding?" Harry said to his friend, using her nickname.

"Of course, 'Arry." Hermione replied. She turned to Ron.

"Ronny, will you please pass the pudding, so I can give it to Har?" Hermione said, using her nickname for Harry.

"Sure, Mio." Ron said, passing the pudding and using Hermione's other nickname.

"Hey, Mya!" Lavender called to Hermione as she came and sat by her. "How was your summer?"

"Oh, not to bad, Lav." Hermione answered. "Yours?"

"Oh, Ashley." She continued, using Hermione's nickname. "It was good, but me and Semen had a breakup." She used her pet name for Seamus.

Harry overheard and nodded in understanding. "Don't worry, DarDar," Harry said, using Lavender's nickname. "Seamy will come around. Julia?" Harry said to Hermione, using the nickname of which she was so accustomed, "Will you pass the biscuits?"

"Of course, James." Hermione answered, and passed the biscuits to Harry.

"Morgana, what classes are you taking with us, so me and Hairy can copy your notes?" Ron asked Hermione, jokingly, while using her middle name.

"On Rupert!" She said, laughingly, using his nickname. "You're going to have to study on your own. How can you expect to pass your N.E.W.T.S come time?"

At the head table, Dumbledore passed a plate of fruit to Professor Snape.

"Surely, Sev, you must be hungry." Dumbledore said, heartily eating away.

"Albus, I assure you I drink only blood." Professor Snape sneered in answer.

"Oh, Sevey! You're so dramatic!" Professor Sprout said.

"Oh DO hush, Winnie!" Professor Flitwick said, although Professor Sprout's name was clearly not Winnie.

"You hush, Milford!" Professor Sprout retorted, using a nickname for Professor Flitwick that was most likely mistaken for his real name. No one bothered to correct the two, as the other professors weren't quite sure what their names were.

"Professors, please! Let us not carry on like the separated students below us! Lemon drop?" Dumbledore said cheerfully, his eyes twinkling.

Rubeus Hagrid stepped down from the head table and went to see his favorite student, Harry James Potter. And of course, Hermione Jane Granger and Ron... Michael...Weasley.

"Evening Harry!" Hagrid called.

"Hullo, Ruben!" Harry called cheerfully back.

"Hello, Ronnie, good summer with all 42 of your siblings?" Hagrid said, getting closer to the table and turning to Ron.

"It was a bit rough, Haggy, but it was alright. Nice to see you in one piece."

"Hello Hermione!" Hagrid finally said, turning towards Hermione Granger across the table from him.

The Trio turned and looked at each other. Ron stared. "Who the hell is Hermione?" He questioned. Harry and Hermione nodded in agreement with Ron's question, saying, "Yes, who is she?"

Hagrid looked somewhat nonplussed, and realized his mistake. Maybe Hermione was going by Grawp's nickname for her.

"Sorry, my mistake! Hullo, Hermy, nice summer?" He said, smiling.

Hermione grew red in the face. "OH! DON'T call me Hermy! I _detest_ that nickname, and only Grawp uses it!"

Ron and Harry giggled. She shot them a look. She continued on her rampage.

"I refuse to answer to that 'nickname', if you'd call it that!"

"I'm terribly sorry! What should I call ye then?" Hagrid said, scratching his beard.

"Why, my name of course!"

"But I called ye Hermione!"

"I said to call me by my name!"

"...What is yer name, then?!

Ron and Harry turned to look at her. Hermione looked somewhat confused.

"I know the answer to this... maybe I should check in _Hogwarts: A History_…"

"Miss-Know-It-All doesn't know the answer to something?" Draco Malfoy snarled as he walked by.

"Oh, that's right. That's my name." She exclaimed.

And with that, they all returned to eating their meal.

**The End!**

* * *

**Note:** Yeah, one-shot. Of course it's not very good, so there's no need to comment and say it's not very good. But I'm sure you will anyway. No matter, go right ahead; I'm always open to hear some thoughts. Um, yes, well. Later night ramblings are viewed here... just a parody of how so many fanfics use completely absurd nicknames for the characters. The sad thing is, half of the one's written in this fic, I read in another fic. (For example, the nickname "Mya" for Hermione was used in a fairly popular time travel story-- I won't name names!) Some are in the books, true... but many aren't. Anyway, thanks for reading, and sorry for the waste of your time!

**(Revised 11/21/07)**


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